I'm not sure there are even words enough to explain what I think and feel right now.

Shell shocked.

Maybe that covers it. So much has happened. So much, I can't even seem to think of it all without feeling like it's all to big to fit in my head.

He blew up the tea house. The whole front parlor is little more than match sticks. They died. They were all in there... doing what they do. They were harmless and he just blew them up. I don't even know... I just can't think past their deaths.

I keep running everything back through my mind, trying to think what I could have done differently. If I'd turned down the errand? No. I'd still have been at the party. Turned down the job? But then someone less prepared would have gone in my place.

I can see the fine lines of fate binding me fast to this horrible series of events, but I don't understand why. Please don't say it is punishment for what I've become. Death comes for everyone and sometimes it choses a living insturment. But not for my FAMILY!! Not for them! This isn't fair!

I don't care what a Shadow Walker is. I don't care about the petty arguements between demons or even the arguement between heaven and hell. I don't even care what my sensei was doing hanging out with two of them. I'm going to find out who did this, and when I do I'm going to pay them in kind.

Gotta go. I gotta meet Cami-chan. Got stuff for me. Mmmm, yum. The only bright spot in days. Goodies from Cami-chan.

This morning did not go at all like it should. I get up. I tell Okasan as much as I dare about the night before. I tell her about the explosion. I don't tell her about the wallet.

While I'm upstairs trying to decide what to do with it, one of my sisters tell me that Okasan has summoned me to the living room. That my client is there.

I know what I saw. I know he didn't survive so I go to the backroom and check. It's not him. Or at least its not the man I went to the party with.

Oh, don't misunderstand. It looks like him. Sounds like him. But he's missing the scar and the creepy eye. It's too much and too weird. I just headed straight out the back door. Walked past a group of guys I didn't know, look like bodyguard types, got on my bike and left.

So now I'm sitting in an internet cafe, in the wind, hoping that whoever that crazy motherfucker is, that he just goes the fuck away and leaves us be. I don't know anything. My Okasan knows nothing. We aren't part of whatever mad conspiracy these men are in.

The only interesting thing in this wallet is a key card for my client's place of work. CEO remember. Dead or alive, he has answers right? Maybe why he picked me on the same day Okasan gave me an errand? Was it just freak chance or something planned?

Found a picture of him. When he was younger, before his 'accident'. Standing in the picture with him is a Dr. Denier. Not too bad looking for a doctor actually. And my sensei. The other two were researchers. I get that. CEO for a research lab and a doctor. But my sensei? What's his connection with those two?

I was thinking maybe I'd drop by. See what a man like him would see in a girl like me. What he has stashed away from the past. Not a bad idea if youWhat the fuck someone just hacked my

Oh my gods. Oh my gods. Oh my gods. It's bad this time.

I do errands for my Okasan. She gives me little things she needs taken care of. And I do them. I do them without complaint and when I return, she nods and tells me I did good.

That's what we live for right? To have our okasans tell us we pleased them. It's the same with me. I love my Okasan very much, just like everyone else.

So this morning my Okasan asks me to run an errand for her tonight. It's not that big of a deal. I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable tonight. Worrying that I will be conspicous in the crowd of people I don't know. But she asked and it isn't my place to question my okasan, any more than it is your place to question yours.

Okasan asks, I do. It's that simple.

I got dressed up. Tucked away the things I needed and headed to the Osaka Club.

I haven't been in there since the dreams. Frankly, I shouldn't have gone. They were a bad omen. I should have paid attention. But my okasan asked, I couldn't just say no.

It was awful walking into that place. For a moment I thought I could smell the gun oil again. But there was no body. No signs there had ever been one. I think I walked around where the china man lay. I couldn't stand the thought of walking over a dead man, even one just from my dreams.

We came to that same room. You know the one the chinese guy died peeking into. That one. A woman greeted me, told me that my client was inside. That he'd been injured and I wasn't to stare for it bothered him.

I am good at my job. I can't believe she wasted breath telling me that. She must have been Japanese-American. Otherwise she'd have known she dishonored me by even mentioning the rudeness of staring.

I entered and met him. He did indeed have an injury that cut across one eye. The eye itself was as black as night. It was really creepy, but I didn't stare regardless.

After an 'inspection', he decided we could proceed. I'm still not sure if I should be insulted or not.

Went to the party as planned. I decided it was time to finish up Okasan's errand and was trying to find a way to get my client alone so I could tell him when all hell broke loose.

A man wreathed in PURPLE flames comes bursting into the party.

No really. Dont' even look at me like that. I know what I saw.

He grabs me and drags me through the crowd of milling gaijin and into the kitchen. But before I can do anything, the man you was just moments before blowing up party-goers with with fucking scary purple shit, comes bursting into the kitchen too!

Apparently he knew my client and vice-versa.

Then he handed me his wallet and pushed me out a window out onto the fire escape.

I had ONE thing left to do and I just couldn't do it. Not with the purple shit and the screaming guests and my client's one black eye staring at me.

So I ran.

I climbed down the fire escape while my client faced whatever had come after him. I called a cab and went home.

I told Okasan everything was taken care of.

What else could I say? That a crazy man wreathed in purple flames crashed the party and I couldn't do what she'd asked me because I think the crazy purple flame guy killed him? That I ran down a fire escape instead of doing what I'd been told to do?

I have no idea what was going on, but I don't think one, blackened eyed aging CEO can survive when the wreathed in purple flame, two blackened eye younger variety chooses you out of a crowd!

I hate this! I hate this!

I don't know what's happening. Who was that guy? What was he doing? Why did he give me his wallet? Why ME!! Why me!! Why did that stupid mother fucker pick me!! He'd better be dead. He'd just better be dead.

I'm going to bed. This will make more sense in the morning. I'll watch the news on Okasan's tv. They'll explain what happened and then I can figure out what to do with his wallet.

I dreamed about the chinese guy again. I've been dreaming about him every night for the past week and a half.

I have what he's going to do memorized. Again and again I watch him climb the stairs. I watch him sit down and peer about the office. I can feel them coming now, like I've managed to get a fly caught beneath my skin. I watch them walk by. I see his interest. I can almost feel his interest.

He gets up, follows them.

The doors open. Two slack faced men in dark suits. A gun. The oil is fresh and sharp.

BANG

He falls to the ground. "We can't have that now can we," someone says.

The world fades to black.

I've tried everything to warn him. But I'm not really there and my screams go unheeded. I've tried everything to not dream of him. Changed my hours. Changed my diet. Changed my exercise routine. It still comes. Every time I sleep, he's there.

You'd think after so many times I would be numb to it. That I could watch it dispassionately, but it seems to be the opposite. With each retelling I grow closer to the scene, see something I missed last time, feel more than I did the time before.

Please, beloved ancestors, make this go away. Have I not been tormented enough? Please, let me dream something new.

I dreamed again, but tonight was different. I mean really different.

I was at Osaka, or... actually I wasn't. This chinese guy was. He wore leather and denim. He was... a bit rough around the edges, hard with sharp edges. It's his eyes that give him away. Like he knows just a little more than he should.

Anyway, he walked upstairs to an office and waited for a while. These guys passed outside the room he was waiting in. They were... strange. Definately creepy. No one I'd want to meet in a dark alley, hell I wouldn't want to meet them in a brightly lit Tokyo street.

So like the idiot he is he follows them right? Leans down to the door to see or hear or whatever.

Next thing you know, there's this gun right in his face. Before he can even react, the guy just... shoots him.

I don't even know what to think or feel. I don't know the guy. With my luck he works for a rival company. But it was so... real. So clear and sharp. It was like I was there. I swear I could smell the gun powder after they shot him.

Note to self, no more green tea ice cream right before bed.

Danced with Mari-chan today. She plays too fast and then argues when we try to tell her to slow down. Today she started complaining to Okasan that we were picking on her! That we were all purposely dancing too slowely to make her look bad.

And Okasan scolded us for being unseemly!

I swear to the ancestors I'm going to wrap the strings of her biwa about her throat and choke her with them until she turns purple and stops struggling.

Not only can she not play, but she looks like a horse. And she has no taste. When we are all casual she looks like she's a 90's reject.

Gods I hate her.

I just had that dream again. I can only vaguely remember the beginning. There's this guy, his face is all... blurry, like I can't quite see him or my mind just refuses to finish filling in his features. It doesn't matter really. He's pointless. Sometimes he does things I think, but none of its memorable.

But at some point in the dream he changes into other people. I can see them, all the people I try to forget. They haven't forgiven me. I'm never forgiven in the dream.

I run. I climb. I hide. But it never does any good. I'm never fast enough, strong enough, smart enough to get away from them. They chase me through the streets of Tokyo. I beg my old friends for help, but they just look away like they can't even see me.

They catch me, my demons. They always catch me and right before they tear me apart I wake up sweating and shaking. The crying comes next.

I'll never escape them, no matter how I hide. I can still hear them laughing as I lay there waiting to die. Even now, with the lights on and music playing. I can still here the laughing.

I think one day they're going to catch me and I won't wake up in time. I think my demons will one day kill me, tear me apart while they laugh at my death.

I went repelling today! It was... I can't even come up with the right words. It was so freeing! Like flying with a rope attached. I climbed that stupid cliff so many times I still can't quite feel my arms. It was worth it though.

And... the guy doing the class was hott (with a double 't'). Not that I'd be so foolish as to do anything about it. But it doesn't hurt a girl to look, right? Not only that, but he said I was a natural. Well... duh! How could he know I love extreme sports, right? ^_~ So I'm going to go back next week and he's going to personally teach me the method where you run down the side of say a building front first instead of the backwards method.

I'm so excited I can't sleep!

You know the worst thing about repelling? That moment when your feet hit the pavement and you realize the rides over and that if you want to do it again you have to climb a cliff

Okasan pulled me to the side today, said there was something she needed to tell me. I figured it was some little thing she needed me to take care of for her again.

Instead she told me Yuki is leaving. The business man who has been taking care of her is going back to Japan. And he wants Yuki to return with him.

It may not sound so bad, but there is more. He has said that if she does return with him that he would like to marry her.

I want Yuki to be happy of course, and he does seem to do that... but I don't want to lose my sister!

It would be bad enough if she were simply returning to Japan. But to lose her from my family... She took me as her sister when even my Okasan was timid of my unwavering gaze. She taught me everything I needed to know to become a flower. And now... she will be gone.

I think she tried to tell me. When she was here. I think she tried to tell me. But I could not hear her. I could not understand what she was saying. And now, Okasan says she is gone. She is a flower no more. Now she will be a wife and a mother.

It's natural right? To want to live in a man's world as his caregiver and lover?

Then why does this feel so wrong?

I found the next Kimono I want! It is nice to have Okasan paid off for my original wardrobe. Now I finally have the money to buy more!

Here is what I chose:



Unfortunately, Okasan thinks it's too bright. She shakes her head and says, "You must remember our ways. It is not about being the brightest flower in the patch, but being the sweetest smelling. It is the way of the younger sister to be bright and the way of the older sister to be duller in hue, but irresistable in her art. If you are iki, they will fawn over your sister, but when the party ends, it is you they will return for.

Here's what she chose:



I know she is right. But I am only 22. It's not as if I am an ugly spinster. Sometimes, every girl likes to be the brightest flower in the flower bed, not just the sweetest smelling.

I spent the day with my older sister today. It has been a long time since we've done anything just the two of us. It was like old times. We got up and bathed together. She was full of stories about the man she is seeing. We talked and laughed till the water was cold. She forgot to turn the heater on on the tub! How very typical of Yuki!

We both looked like prunes when we got out. Okasan scolded us for dripping water on the floor as we ran through the cold house to get back to my room. It has been a long time since she has scolded me for that.

Yuki brushed my hair and helped me put it up and then she helped put my make-up on. She hasn't done that in so long. It was strange to have help with something I've been doing on my own for so long. But in a good way. It reminded me of what Amaya is feeling now as I help her. I must remember that the next time. We do not learn to be butterflies all in one day.

When we were done, we helped each other get dressed and went out for lunch and a movie.

Hana was excellent as ever. Their sushie is to die for. Sensei Hakuba was taught in Japan. Yuki wanted to try a new place, but I reminded her that it was run by Vietnamese. She is silly. I don't know how she could forget.

When we were done we went to see a movie. Yuki picked. It was supposed to be a romantic comedy.

It... It was OBSCENE!! I have told her never again! I could not believe they allow... THAT to be seen in a theatre! Yuki was very sorry too. She did not know either that they allowed so much kissing on a show for the public. I think she spent half the movie with her eyes covered.

I am glad we chose not to invite Amaya. She is still quite young. I do not think she has even lain with a man yet. Though as flighty as she is, I suspect that she probably should. I do not think however, watching American pornography should be her introduction to it.

Of course, all the kissing scenes in the movie, brought Yuki back to her own lover. I do not think she would have been as frank with me if I were still Amaya's age. But neither of us are the children we once were.

Though for me it was only once five years ago, I think Yuki understands. For me it is different. I am not looking for someone to take me from the house and support me. I'm not looking for love. I just... needed the experienc. She doesn't understand why, and I will never be able to put into words the answer. But she understands why I haven't again.

That does not stop her from giving me tips and hints to make the next time better or from pointing out all the possibilities that kept walking by us.

There is nothing like a big sister point out all the cute males on the sidewalk while giggling to make a girl feel conspicuous. And I'm fairly sure, they knew what she was doing too. Two of them waved and one gave me his phone number!!

We had supper here at home. Amaya was glad to see me. She was worried she'd have to serve tea for Okasan's party tonight herself. I told her she was silly and sent her upstairs to get things ready. Yuki had to go back home tonight. She had plans to go to the opera.

Maybe she will be able to come again soon? I hope so.

Anyway, I can hear Amaya calling me. It's time for me to make her feel special.

I thought I'd planned it all so well. I'd do what I needed to do on the way to the party. I could still see the fireworks, take Ichiumi to her first party, and do what Okasan needed me to do.

And in that regard it did work. I got to see all but a few pops of the fireworks. I got to present Ichiumi at Suzuki-san's party and I finished my job for Okasan. But something did go wrong. The boy. He saw.

No, not me. He didn't see me. He saw his father. No child should have to see that. Not on New Years. Not ever. I tried to spare him. Truly, I did. But he turned at the last moment, finger pointed at the sky. (One of the fireworks I missed) He turned and he saw.

I can't remember his father's face, though I had a picture of him in my hand eight hours ago. But the boy's... I'll never forget his.

Why today?

I just... It's not... There is nothing else I can say. Nothing that will change or fix it. He will never be able to forget and I will always remember, tied together forever by a single act. I'm not sure who to blame. Him or me.

Okasan caught me after my hair appointment, informed me I have something to do for her. I begged her not today. Not on the best day of the year. Not on New Years. But she said it had to be done today. No waiting. No whining.

I've looked over the paperwork she gave me. I think if I do it right, I can still make the party when I'm done. She's right of course. Today is the best day. China Town is a mess tonight. Revelers and party goers everywhere. It's easier to hide in a crowd than in an empty, quiet street.

And he's sure to be there. Two kids. A girl and boy. Six and three. No way their missing the fireworks. Did I mention the fireworks? Covers the sound of everything. Pop! Bang! Boom! I love fireworks. I hope I don't miss them. Their my favorite part.

It's not fair you know. It's not fair to ask me to work on New Years. It's not fair to ask me to do this on the day I finally got clean on.

What is it the American's say? All work... no play...

I love New Years! It's my very favorite holiday of the year! It's a day for new things.

My okasan gave me my present. *hugs okasan* A new obi! It is beautiful. She didn't say it say it, but I think Sensei Ono helped get it for me. And it will go perfectly with the new Kimono I save ALL last year to get. It's gold with a phoenix on it. Okasan says its not exactly what she would expect to see a geisha in, but that it is completely me. She says that I when I take my newest sister to the party this evening, I will make them swoon.

I can't wait!

It is also time to cast off the remnants of last year and so I have started a new blog! Tada! Here it is.

Today I feel fresh and pure again. I feel free again.

But now its time to visit the hair dresser. rolls eyes I don't know where Okasan found him, but I don't think he actually studied how to do our hair. It takes much longer than Hiro ever did and he pulls alot. With him as my hairdresser I think I'm going to earn my bald spot much to early.

Baka.